This Season of Life

As pretty much anyone reading this blog may know, the last six months have been long and hard, making me realize that we have many seasons in life. Some of them are fun and amazing, some not so much!

The next few paragraphs are honestly laid out, some of it not pretty to reveal about myself, and most importantly are not reflective of anything about the person needing care. They are in a position where there is no choice, they just need the help. But in talking to other caregivers, and of course googling it, I've learned that maybe I'm not a terrible person. There are just certain feelings and emotions that go along with being a caregiver, especially if you are new at it.

This new season I've been in has taught me lessons about how all-consuming being a caretaker can be with my mom's back surgery, then her metabolic breakdown. (I'm calling it a metabolic breakdown, you know, because I'm a doctor and I know these things.) While working and maintaining my normally full life, I unexpectedly had to begin caretaking for my mom, doing all kinds of things she's always done for herself like getting a handle on her finances for bill-paying, making sure her dog was fed, doing her laundry while she was in the rehab center, fielding many phone calls and visits, getting her mail, taking clothes, etc. to her each day, visiting, making calls to her doctors and care team, problem solving for her at the center if her meds weren't right, etc. This was a new season for me. I have never had to "take over" someone else's life for them.

At the same time, my "normal" life was carrying on without me and I realized just how tunnel-visioned I had been (and had no choice but to be) when I finally got to spend some time with some of my grandkids. Allyson was talking to me when I realized she was missing a top tooth! I asked her when she lost her tooth and she told me how it got hit and then it was so loose her mommy pulled it. As silly as it may sound, that made me sad. Whenever they've lost teeth, I've either been there (Papa is the tooth-puller in the family), or they've called me to tell me when it happened. That was one of the "I want my life back" moments I had. But reality was, Jamie knew I was so swamped with things she let this one go (as was right). But it made me realize just how out of the loop I was in my own "normal" life. When my dad passed away after 15 years of emphysema, my mom told me that one day she and my dad had discussed how his illness affected both of them, as he became more housebound and hospital-bound, so did she. She told him, "You're illness is my illness too." It made sense to me even then, but it makes even more sense now. She never minded being his caretaker, but the reality was what I've learned: it affects your life even if it's not your illness.

Here's what I now know: while you are glad to do what's necessary for them, the truth is, it's draining...all-consuming...and overwhelming. I won't lie, there were days when I was stressed, tired, and just wanted my life back. But there are no quitters in caregiving. All of those feelings are normal for caregivers, the odd mix of happy to do it, yet not wanting to do it. It's like having a baby for the first time - other mothers can tell you all about how you will feel, what you should know, etc. But you really can't understand it until you do it.

I wasn't sure if I'd actually post this, I started it to put my thoughts on paper, but then changed my mind. So why did I put this on my blog? It's for those of you who haven't been in this position, but may be down the road. Maybe it will be helpful to you because in the spring, I hadn't experienced this season yet. I was unenlightened. What I've learned is that this is a season of life. Our feelings are what they are, we don't choose them. What's most important is what you do, not what you feel.

My mom is home now and doing well, but odds are it won't be her last time needing help. But now I feel more prepared because I've spent some time in the caretaking world. And now I know how to approach better the next time, and even have some ideas about how to make some changes so we are better set for it.

And may my next season of life be on a cruise ship! (Okay, that's already set up so I can say that, right?)